Every relationship encounters stress, leading us to react in one of three ways: fight, flight, or freeze. The question is, how do we move past these instinctive reactions to maintain harmony and togetherness?
Observing young children engaged in games like “hide and seek” offers valuable insights into human behavior and relationship dynamics.
Our three-year-old granddaughter, whom we babysit once or twice a week, adores playing “hide and seek.” It’s a delight to see her immersed in the game.
Initially, we had to accompany her in hiding to help her grasp the concept. When we’d call out, “Where is Ayla?” she’d gleefully respond from her hiding spot.
It was quite amusing.
For over a year, we tried explaining that she shouldn’t laugh or respond while hiding. But she seemed to think we were the ones misunderstanding the game.
To toddlers, “hide and seek” is more about “hide and find.” The joy for them lies in being found or discovering others. Ayla’s excitement when she’s found, or when she finds us, is palpable, and she’s eager to start again.
“Hide and Find” for Adults A young girl enjoys a snow cone. Just like children, adults engage in their version of “hide and find.” When we’re hurt, we metaphorically ‘hide’ to nurse our wounds. However, deep down, we yearn to be ‘found.’
Children won’t play “hide and seek” in unfamiliar environments. They prefer the safety of their home or a known place, like a grandparent’s or a friend’s house.
In a new setting, they need company to feel safe playing the game. This is because in an unknown place, they aren’t sure if they’ll be found.
As adults, we venture out of our comfort zones, exploring new places. This can make it challenging to ‘hide,’ as we’re not always sure if someone will seek us out.
Life’s emotional challenges often activate our primitive brain responses: fight, flight, or freeze. ‘Fight’ involves confronting stress head-on, ‘flight’ means avoiding the issue, and ‘freeze’ is akin to inaction, hoping the problem will resolve itself.
Historically, these responses were crucial for survival against predators or natural threats. However, in the modern world, these primitive reactions are less helpful when dealing with everyday stresses that don’t align with our expectations.
Understanding the Fear Response in Relationships The challenge with our primitive brain’s involvement in relationships is that it kicks in automatically, not by our conscious choice. It acts as a defense mechanism.
When we fight, it escalates fear in both individuals, leading each to perceive the other as a threat, much like encountering a lion.
Choosing flight reverts us to a state of vulnerability, reminiscent of childhood. We seek solitude to recover, yet there’s an underlying worry that we might remain undiscovered in our emotional hideout.
Freezing renders us immobile, leaving us at the mercy of what we perceive as a threatening situation, unable to make a move.
This dynamic is evident in scenarios like a teenager telling their parents to “Leave me alone!” While they seek temporary space, the underlying desire is to eventually reconnect.
In my experience working with parents, I’ve seen many take such statements literally. I often relate it back to the concept of “hide and seek,” which tends to clarify the situation.
When someone asks for space, it’s not a permanent request. It’s a momentary need for solitude within that particular interaction. They need time to gather themselves, and eventually, they’ll be ready to reengage, often signaled by someone reaching out to them.
Navigating Stressful Situations In stressful situations, people subconsciously resort to one of the three F’s: Fight, Flight, or Freeze. Our goal is to ensure that these are temporary responses.
To assist someone in a stressful situation, recognize if they are in one of these modes and assess if you are perceived as a threat.
If you’re the perceived threat, cease any actions that might be interpreted as aggressive.
If you’re not the threat, avoid adding to their stress. Escalating the situation only prolongs their state of fear, fight, flight, or freeze.
Avoid discussing the legitimacy of their fear, as this can increase pressure. Acknowledge that their fear, whether real or perceived, is significant, and strive to maintain a neutral stance.
Long-term conflicts in relationships, whether between partners, parents and children, siblings, or friends, often stem from an incident that triggers a primitive response. This can escalate into a prolonged conflict, making both parties feel like they’re in a constant state of alert, as if surrounded by dangers.
The key is to avoid exacerbating the situation when you sense someone is stressed, afraid, aggressive, hiding, or frozen. Pay attention to their body language, tone of voice, and word choice to gauge their emotional state.
Navigating Fight, Flight, or Freeze Responses Uttering phrases like “You are [insert any negative term or criticism]!” is a form of aggression. In such situations, it’s wise to either distance oneself from the aggressor or extend a helping hand by asking, “What can I do to help you?”
Remember, aggression often leads to more aggression. Avoid falling into the trap of responding aggressively yourself, or you’ll both end up in a never-ending cycle of conflict with no easy way out.
Expressions like “Get off me”, “Leave me alone”, “Go away”, or “I don’t want to talk to you” are signals of a desire to ‘hide,’ akin to the flight response. In these moments, it’s important to give the person space to process their feelings. When you do approach them, do so with care and gentleness. Ask if they’re ready to reengage, but be cautious not to overwhelm them.
When someone asks for space, it’s not an eternal request. They’re not saying “Leave me alone forever” or “I never want to talk to you again.” Rather, they’re feeling hurt and overwhelmed, needing some time alone to recover.
Freezing occurs when someone perceives a threat as so overwhelming that they’re unable to activate their instinctual defense mechanisms. In such cases, the perceived threat needs to be alleviated to enable them to move forward.
In all these scenarios, the key is to reestablish a connection once the immediate threat has been addressed, steering clear of the topic that triggered the initial response.
Why is this important?
Because revisiting the triggering topic can instantly send them back into a state of flight.
Just like my granddaughter, who revels in being found during our games, people who are metaphorically hiding often appreciate being sought out. If they feel neglected, they might retreat further, intensifying their sense of isolation.
The Essence of Trust in Relationships Consider a scenario where we’re playing “hide and seek” with Ayla, counting to just 10 due to her young age. Imagine if, after hiding, she’s found by a complete stranger. How would she react?
Likely, with sheer terror.
When toddlers engage in hide and seek, their joy in being found hinges on the finder being someone they trust and feel safe with. A stranger’s presence disrupts this trust, leading to fear instead of happiness.
Trust is a fundamental component in the dynamics of relationships. People desire to be discovered, but only by those they trust and who genuinely care for them.
The situation becomes complex when you’re the reason someone has retreated, and you’re also the one seeking to reconnect. To maintain and nurture the relationship, it’s crucial to rebuild trust before revisiting the issue that caused them to withdraw, to avoid being seen as a threat again.
One effective way to rebuild trust is through kindness. Kindness involves actions that make others feel valued and appreciated. This can be expressed through supportive words, offering help, compliments, or praise. It also includes sharing your skills and time, as well as showing affection through gestures like hugs, gentle touches, kisses, or simply smiling.
Relationships thrive on a balance of giving and receiving. When your actions make someone feel positive about themselves, they’re more likely to see you as kind and trustworthy.
Kind individuals are often perceived as harmless and endearing, akin to kittens or puppies. They’re seen as ‘cute’ and non-threatening, evoking a desire to embrace them. Just the sight of them can bring a smile to our faces. No one fears kittens and puppies.
Building trust is a gradual process. Once achieved, it’s important to maintain that gentle, non-threatening image. Avoid actions that might be perceived as aggressive or intimidating, as this can quickly revert you back to being seen as a potential threat.
All relationships experience fluctuations, with moments where individuals may revert to primitive responses. However, if this becomes a frequent pattern, it indicates an unhealthy relationship, lacking the emotional, mental, and physical aspects conducive to care and love. In such a state, the brain struggles to access functions that are essential for nurturing affection and care.
Navigating Stressful Interactions in Relationships In any relationship, the three primitive responses – fight, flight, or freeze – can be challenging, but the most problematic scenario is when both parties are in Fight Mode.
When individuals are in Flight Mode, they distance themselves from each other. Once the perceived danger passes, they often have the opportunity to reconnect without lasting negative effects from the interaction.
Being apart allows them to think more clearly and rationally. Their higher cognitive functions take over, leading to a calmer state that facilitates re-engagement.
In Freeze Mode, individuals become emotionally distant, and it often takes an external influence to help them take action and reconnect.
However, when both parties are in Fight Mode, it’s akin to two lions clashing – both are likely to get hurt. In such conflicts, there are no true winners; some just lose more than others. The damage from a Fight-Fight interaction can be long-lasting and, in some cases, irreparable.
Preventing Fight, Flight, or Freeze Responses Conflict is a natural part of relationships, but the key is to recover quickly and avoid exacerbating the situation.
To foster healthier relationships, it’s crucial to be aware of your behavior and ensure you’re not perceived as a threat. The only aspect you can control is how you act.
For those who tend to react aggressively, it’s important to learn to manage emotions effectively. There are many resources available, including blog posts and articles, that can offer guidance.
Man and woman embracing happily
If you find yourself often freezing in response to conflict, it’s advisable to distance yourself from the source of aggression and practice small acts of empowerment. Seeking support from a third party can also be beneficial in helping you take action and avoid remaining stuck in a state of inaction. In between conflicts, focus on self-care and building a supportive network.
For those who tend to flee from conflicts, it’s important to find safe spaces and a reliable support group. These should be people you trust and who understand how to gently coax you out of your retreat.
If you’re a bystander in such situations, maintaining your own calm is crucial. When supporting someone in Fight Mode, ensure your own safety. If they’re in Freeze Mode, help them find their inner strength. And if you’re aiding someone who has retreated, give them time to process (perhaps count to 10) before gently seeking them out.
