As a parent, it’s common to observe and comment on your child’s character traits and behaviors. Statements like “He’s always been stubborn” or “She’s been a nag since day one” are frequent. However, it’s important to discern what aspects of these behaviors are inherent character traits and which ones can be influenced and shaped.
“Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”
- Anonymous
Every child is born with a unique personality, something that becomes especially clear when you have more than one child. You start to notice that certain behaviors are innate, present from the very first day.
However, not all character traits are inherently positive or desirable. The development of these traits largely depends on how we, as parents, perceive and respond to them. Often, parents view their children’s behavior as a manifestation of a fixed character trait, leading to the belief that these behaviors are unchangeable.
But character isn’t entirely rigid or unalterable. Our responses and attitudes towards our children’s behaviors can significantly influence their development. By understanding the malleable nature of character, we can better guide our children towards positive growth and help them cultivate healthy and empowering traits.
The Role of Parenting in Developing Children’s Traits
The age-old debate of nature versus nurture is one that may never be conclusively resolved. Is behavior primarily a result of genetics and inherent character, or is it shaped through nurturing and parenting? I lean towards the belief that it’s a combination of both. Relying solely on nature might render us powerless as parents, while even a slight belief in the power of nurture can empower us to set high aspirations for our children.
Consider the wisdom of the Serenity Prayer:
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
While I wouldn’t go as far as getting it tattooed like in the photo, this prayer holds significant value. It reminds us that while we can’t alter certain aspects of our children, like their height or eye color, we can influence how they interact with the world.
There are compelling arguments for both nature and nurture. Whichever side we lean towards, we often find evidence to support our beliefs, thanks in part to our Reticular Activating System (RAS). We choose a perspective that resonates with us and then subconsciously seek out confirmation.
This became clear to me when I reflected on my own trait of stubbornness. As a child, I was known for being stubborn, which was seen negatively. However, at 16, I realized that this trait, when viewed differently, resembled persistence. Both stubbornness and persistence involve repeated actions against the odds, but they are perceived differently based on the outcome. Many character traits have this dual nature, with both positive and negative aspects.
Consider traits like indecisiveness and carefulness. The behaviors are similar, but the interpretation depends on the outcome. If a person takes time to make a decision and it leads to a positive result, we label them as careful, not indecisive.
Emphasizing the Role of Nurture
Despite the influence of nature, we have the power to nurture certain character traits in our children. Understanding that traits stem from thoughts, beliefs, and ideas, we realize our significant role in shaping our children’s character.
For a trait to become ingrained, it must be reinforced by consistent beliefs and thoughts. For instance, if I value kindness and reinforce this belief through my actions and the feedback I receive, I strengthen my identity as a kind person. This repeated affirmation eventually solidifies kindness as a core part of my character, not just a behavior.
In parenting, recognizing this power can guide us in nurturing strong, positive, and resilient traits in our children, shaping their character for a fulfilling life.
