The concept of manipulation often unsettles many parents. They bristle at the thought of their children manipulating them and are equally uneasy about the idea of manipulating their children in return. However, I view manipulation as a potentially valuable tool in parenting.
The term ‘manipulation’ typically carries negative connotations, suggesting deceit or ill intent. But in reality, manipulation isn’t always about causing harm. Often, it’s quite the opposite.
In my parenting programs, I frequently encounter parents who believe they shouldn’t influence their children’s thoughts or actions. This hesitation reflects a misunderstanding of their role as parents. I firmly believe that part of our job as parents is to positively influence our children into believing they are capable, happy, kind, strong, and so on.
Yes, you heard that right. Every time we hug our children, feed them, or teach them a new skill, we’re engaging in a form of manipulation. We are inherently wired to shape our environment, including our interactions with our children, to create positive outcomes.
“Manipulation” doesn’t have to be a dirty word, nor does it have to signify a power struggle. The negative perception arises when manipulation is seen as a zero-sum game, where one party’s gain is another’s loss. But in the context of parenting, manipulation can be a win-win: guiding children towards positive behaviors and attitudes while strengthening the parent-child bond.
So, what exactly is manipulation in this sense? It’s about guiding, influencing, and nurturing our children towards positive outcomes, using our role as parents to steer them in the right direction. It’s a subtle art, one that requires balance, empathy, and a deep understanding of our children’s needs and personalities.
Understanding Manipulation as a Natural Survival Tool
From the moment a baby enters the world, they engage in what can be seen as their first act of manipulation: crying. This isn’t a negative behavior; it’s a fundamental survival tool. Newborns, utterly dependent and vulnerable, use crying to communicate their needs. They rely on this to ensure they are fed, comforted, and protected. It’s a matter of survival, pure and simple.
Society generally accepts a baby’s crying without much fuss. It’s understood as a natural, necessary part of infancy. But as children grow, their tears often lose what I like to call “the cute factor,” and their crying begins to be perceived differently. What was once an accepted form of communication may start to be seen as undue pressure or manipulation.
However, the underlying principle remains unchanged throughout our lives: we all, in various ways, try to make the world adapt to our needs. This isn’t about selfishness or malicious intent. It’s a fundamental aspect of human behavior, a survival mechanism that’s more instinctual than conscious.
It’s important to recognize that this behavior is normal and natural, both in children and adults. When children use their influence to get what they need, it’s not something to be frowned upon. Instead, it’s a sign that they are learning to navigate the world effectively. As parents, seeing our children assert themselves in this way shouldn’t be a cause for concern but rather a sign that we’re preparing them well for the challenges of life.
Guiding Kids to Navigate Their World Intentionally
It’s essential to teach our children the art of conscious influence or manipulation. By understanding that it’s natural to shape their environment to their advantage, they can move from instinctive reactions to making deliberate, informed choices.
In essence, everything we do is aimed at improving our position in life. High emotional intelligence involves recognizing our emotions and managing them effectively. Skillfully influencing our surroundings to better handle our emotions is a sign of this intelligence.
Being adept at supporting ourselves and influencing situations positively is crucial. Ineffective manipulation becomes transparent and is often met with resistance, as no one appreciates feeling manipulated.
Manipulation, in its essence, isn’t negative. It’s a normal part of human interaction. The key is to do it well and with awareness. I often tell parents, “You’re influencing anyway, so you might as well excel at it.”
Influence Without Coercion
Effective manipulation is about intentionality and avoiding harm to others. Consider it akin to overtaking a car on the highway. You’re in your car, aiming to improve your position on the road. You have two choices: overtake with respect or with force.
If you overtake respectfully, you’re seen as a responsible driver. You check your mirrors, adjust your speed, consider other vehicles, and smoothly change lanes. This approach leaves everyone content.
Conversely, overtaking with force—honking incessantly, tailgating, pressuring the other driver to move—creates tension and dissatisfaction. Both methods achieve the goal of advancing your position, but one fosters harmony while the other breeds conflict.
Your emotional state is a good indicator of how well you’re manipulating. If you’re calm and relaxed, you’re likely doing it right. If you’re angry or upset, it suggests you’re resorting to force, which is less effective and often counterproductive.
Using force is often a sign of underlying weakness. Why resort to force if you’re strong and confident? People who are genuinely confident and strong tend to act gently and considerately, knowing that things will naturally work out in their favor.
Teaching our children this nuanced approach to influencing their world empowers them to make positive, respectful choices that benefit both themselves and those around them.
Navigating Parental Influence: Guiding Children with Intention
In parenting, the way we guide and influence our children is crucial. Children inherently trust their parents, relying on this emotional bond much like an umbilical cord, believing that their parents’ actions are for their benefit. This trust, however, can be shaken if we, as parents, act out of weakness or force, rather than understanding and guidance.
I often discuss with parents the concepts in my book “Motivating Kids.” A common question is how to differentiate between motivating and pushing children. The distinction is quite straightforward: if you’re supporting your children in pursuing their own desires and interests, you’re motivating them. If you’re urging them to fulfill your desires at the expense of their own, you’re pushing them.
In both scenarios, manipulation is at play. However, motivation nurtures and strengthens the parent-child relationship, while pushing can erode the child’s trust and confidence.
Parental Manipulation: A Key Role
Parenting involves more than just the physical and financial aspects of raising children. It’s about supporting them on their life journey, and manipulation is a significant part of this process.
For instance, if you believe being friendly will enhance your children’s lives, your role involves encouraging them to see the value in friendliness and equipping them with the skills to be sociable. This is a form of positive manipulation, and it’s something you should embrace wholeheartedly.
I apply this principle with my own children, particularly in fostering kindness. Here’s how I consciously guide them:
Role Modeling: I demonstrate kindness to myself and others, setting a standard for them to emulate.
Rewarding Kind Behavior: I express gratitude when they are kind and encourage them to feel proud of their kind actions. I make sure they see the positive outcomes of their kindness.
Encouraging Kindness to Others: I suggest ways they can be kind, like sharing lunch or helping someone in need.
Setting Examples and Opportunities: I involve them in acts of kindness, like driving their friends home or participating in community service.
Every effort we make to instill certain values or behaviors in our children is a form of manipulation. But it’s important to remember that this isn’t negative; it’s a necessary and beneficial aspect of parenting.
